


Ponderables

by lydaiya



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M, Minor Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-09
Updated: 2003-01-09
Packaged: 2019-04-29 08:50:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14469153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydaiya/pseuds/lydaiya
Summary: Jayne wonders about some things.





	Ponderables

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Firefly’s Glow](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Firefly%27s_Glow), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Firefly's Glow collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fireflysglow/profile).

 

Ponderables

## Ponderables

### by Lydaiya

Ponderables 

Jayne wonders about a lot of things. 

He wonders how much Simon knows and what Simon thinks of it all. Wonders whether maybe Simon understands better than Jayne does. 

Because Jayne really doesn't understand at all. 

O.K., he's used to taking orders. Planning isn't his thing and when he tries, things tend not to go well. Jayne knows his own limitations. So, it's only smart, really, to find somebody with brains to do the planning for him. To take orders. On the job. 

Right. No problem. 

But in the past, his bosses hadn't cared what he did outside the job, so long as it didn't interfere with a potential job. He hadn't trusted them, they hadn't trusted him, or, if they had, well, they were bigger fools than he was, no matter how well they planned things; they deserved what they got and he'd never hesitated to turn on them. 

Mal was different. Mal was the smartest man Jayne had ever worked with. Mal didn't trust Jayne, knew better than that. But, here was the weird thing. The thing that Jayne admitted only in the absolute dark of his bunk, when Jayne lay not quite asleep and not quite awake, and the truths denied in the light crawled from their corners to creep across the barely conscious mind. Jayne might claim, in purely pragmatic fashion, that he would sell anyone if the money was right. But the fact was, Mal could trust him. He would not betray Mal. Not knowingly, anyway. 

Jayne wondered why that was. 

He wondered if Mal knew about it. 

Much as Jayne would like to think that he's giving Mal something Simon can't, one thing Jayne knows is, that he isn't. Or rather, he is, but he can't take any satisfaction from that, because the truth is, what Jayne gives Mal is nothing Mal needs. Or even, Jayne thinks, anything Mal wants. In fact, for Mal, it's not about Jayne giving Mal anything, but about Mal giving to Jayne. And that knowing sometimes seems to build and build in Jayne's gut until the only option is to go beat on something, or shoot something, because it's all simmering inside him and he thinks, in those moments, that he hates Mal and he hates Simon and he hates this rutting ship and everyone on it. 

And that's when Mal appears. And Jayne stalks to him, with teeth bared and blood in his mind, and as Mal looks at him with that absolute lack of fear that is so frustrating and confusing, Jayne he reaches for Mal's belt. The fastenings are quickly dealt with, and then Mal's hands are on Jayne's shoulders and Jayne's intentions (or what Jayne thought were his intentions) somehow fall away. 

Jayne wonders, as Mal pushes him to his knees, why he's doing this. He knows that he's physically stronger; he could surely take Mal in a fight. Except, somehow... he can't. He can't resist the steady pressure of those hands against his shoulders, then in his hair guiding him forward. Somehow can't resist the impulse that makes him open his mouth, against all claims to pride or good sense. Something inside him quiets and relaxes. He wants to be here, feels that he in some way belongs here, for no reason he can understand. 

So many things he doesn't understand these days, about himself and these people he lives with and he doesn't like that, but here, with the deck cold under his knees, his senses overflowing with Mal's taste and scent, he can forget what he doesn't understand and lose himself in pure, animal physicality. 

And he wonders, when he's feeling especially reckless, whether Simon does that for Mal, too, and, if he does, is it the same? He can't imagine that it is. What Mal has with Simon is... something else. What, is something else Jayne does not know, and that's one thing he doesn't let himself wonder about, ever, instinctively knowing that understanding that difference would hurt even worse than the not knowing. 

But he does occasionally imagine, for brief moments, Mal's hands tender as they never are with Jayne, raising Simon to his feet, to be enfolded, drawn in, then lowered again to the bed they share. Mal coming down beside him, the look they might exchange... Jayne doesn't imagine beyond that. 

And, sometimes, he thinks about how it isn't his fault that he isn't pretty and educated, but he knows, really, that that's not what made Mal choose Simon. That Mal had been as little impressed by those qualities as Jayne had been himself. No, it was something else that had won Mal over. 

Sometimes, Jayne wonders what. 

**END**

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